What is in a day?

Again, disappointment has hit my heart.  It is my fault though.  I let it happen.  I am still trying to get my home drainage issue taken care of.  I thought I had a solution but it seems that my solution is just a dream.  I do however have another solution.  Not the prettiest but it will work.  I have faith.  It is sad that for someone who I am trying to give money to, does not seem to want it.  That is life though. 

As my summer nears its end, I know that the tears I cry are from loneliness.  My friend is having a birthday celebration thing Friday.  I am supposed to have a date but you know, I think it was all a farce.  I don’t think my date was a serious one.  Even though I’d love to go and spend time celebrating a birthday,  I can’t.  I just can’t.  I need love not sushi. 

THE GOOD AND BAD OF TODAY:  I have tried to build a bridge back to someone I think I hurt.  Earlier today, I thought I had made some major progress.  It seemed as though I was totally forgiven for the things I did earlier when I was totally hungry and didn’t realize that I had not eaten.  It affected me but I was never going to admit that to my friend because I’d never be believed. 

In the end,  I realized this evening that I was a total failure and that I didn’t build a bridge.

Instead, I burned the bridge down as if it was a match in a dry Texas field.  It burst and went up into flames.  All and all, it seems that no matter what I do, I cannot do anything right according to this person.  This has to stop and I’ve stopped on my end. 

I trust this person 200% but it is very obvious to me that I am not a good person in their eyes. I will never call or text this person again.  100% of all communication has now been cut off.  It might be the extreme but it is really best for all involved.  I am brought to tears to think of how much I have failed on this end.  I don’t know how I ever will recover.  The one thing I wish is that school would start tomorrow.  It would totally get my mind off of this whole entire  horrible situation.  I still have another month unfortunately.  I will just need to keep busy busy busy.  With time, all will work out in my mind and all will be good.  It will.  I know it will.

To be continued

Well, I am still involved in the community garden but I am doing so in a very guarded manner.  I don’t like the rules of the one I began with.  One person that read them thought that Hitler was running the garden.  I don’t like the manager.  I guess he was the Hitler that person was referring to.  I worry that eventually the garden will die because it appears that the manager is rubbing many people the wrong way.  I am still waiting to see what happens.   

One happening on the garden thing….I was told that I was in charge of this ugly dying oak tree.  What do I know about trees?  You plant them they grow or you plant them and they die.  I don’t know how to fix one that looks sick.  I got smart and asked a few people.  I’m on a watering schedule now.  If the peeps at the garden will go with it then we are as good as possible on the thing.

Lastly, the dear friend I blogged about on July 8^th is still there….well sort of.  I finally got him to sit and talk to me for a few hours this past Tuesday.  Most of it was about business and not about us.  There was some talk about us.  He continually got mad saying, “I don’t do tears.”  Instead of questioning what that meant I just went on.  Someday I might ask what he means.  In the end, I was good.  One thing he did was he kept staring at me.  It was driving me nuts.  Eventually he said, “You have beautiful eyes”.  Of course, it made me cry.  Nobody is or has ever been that totally kind.  I know it came from his heart too.  I know in my heart that I still care for him but in a very different way.  I honestly don’t care if he text messages me or if he calls.  He did call twice on Friday.  I really don’t know why he called.  It seemed a little strange.  He really had nothing to say.  He said he would call Saturday but didn’t.  That didn’t surprise me nor did I really take note of it….YES I noted it but it was more like, I EXPECTED he would not call.  I want him to do some work on my backyard.  I left him with the idea that I needed a proposal (not a marriage proposal) before we could move on with any work on my yard.  He seemed good with that.  I asked if he would go to dinner with me.  He said, let’s do it when we are done with the work.  I took the power here and said, let’s do dinner over the proposal.  He said OK.  Of course, I am STILL waiting but hey, if he wants my money, he will have to come forth.  It is all up to him.  I won’t bother him about it.  I have made it completely clear what I want. We will see what he chooses to do.

I'm on a roll now

Two days worth of posts now.

Today I ended my friendship with the one person I felt the closest to in my life.  I really just got tired of the continual disappointments I’ve been left with in my life by this person.  I try to give the benefit of the doubt but all in all, I’ve finally decided it isn’t worth the effort anymore.  My heart has been broken a million times.  Yet I guess I am like a lot of loser people who keep justifying why things happen and why I keep loving him.  Well today, it was the end.  I was promised a visit.  It never materialized.  I was told he would call me back.  It never happened.  Instead I got a “call me tomorrow”.  Well dumb ass, why do I always have to call you?  If you really cared like you said you did then why don’t you call?  I’m just hurt.  I’m never going to be a priority, ½ a priority, ¼ of a priority or .0000000001 of a priority.  I guess I will end by saying Good Bye My Love!

My heart will be forever heavy and you will forever be missed!

The beat goes on

Hello and welcome to my little slice of life.

It has been several weeks since I posted.  My last post indicated that I was pulling out of the community garden.  Well I’m not officially out but I’m just hanging to see what happens.  I committed to get my neighborhood association’s garden up and going and hopefully they can take it from there.  Since the inception of the “garden project” though, I have visited several other community gardens in the area. I am currently in a wait and see mode for the one closest to me.  One of our City Council representatives called the Garden Manager a Garden Hitler.  I found that funny.  I call him a Dictator really.  He is DD to me. 

This guy came up with some of the most asinine rules known to man.  In visiting the other gardens, they look like fun.  Ours sounds as though it will just be a garden with no fun.  There is a rule that says don’t kink the hose.  There is a rule that says you are responsible for your plot and you should be the one tending to it but then later on it says the plot belongs to you and your household.  Then it says you cannot transfer it to anyone in your household.  It is clear that this guy is WHACKO! He is still trying to convince us he was a farmer.  Ok Mr. DD Farmer Dude…..question, how far apart should tomatoes be planted?  I know they were cheap but 12 plants all about 6 inches apart I can tell you isn’t going to work.

Did you know we don’t discriminate but if an undocumented worker comes on to the property with us, we are subject to removal from the garden?  Isn’t that discrimination?

We will see what transpires from here. J

Day 2: A sad end but a class act!

Today was the end of something totally wonderful.
I bowed out of our neighborhood community garden.  The community garden was intended to feed people.  It was the closest thing to my dream that I've ever been involved in.  In life, I never got the opportunity to fulfill my dream of marrying.  Sadly I never will.   As a younger person, I wished to meet and marry someone who didn't necessarily need me to work.  It isn't that I wanted to not work but I wanted so dearly to give to the less fortunate and spend my days volunteering.  Now, I cannot wait to retire from my job.  At least then, I can spend my time volunteering.  I just need to work to keep in great health and good shape to do whatever I want as far a volunteering. 

In the end, I could not deal with the "Manager" that was assigned by the Pastor.
He doesn't seem to be willing to listen to people.  He never asks for input and if you give suggestions, you never get a thank you.  He doesn't think I am a valuable contributor and that I am a liability.  For me he really took the COMMUNITY out of the community garden.  I now see it as just a garden.  This is my community and I am not willing to shut up and just be there.  When I spoke up, he seemed to criticize everything I suggested.  I personally don't need to be forced to just exist.  I can do that at my own home.

The Pastor for the church where the community garden will be located came to my home which I thought was a more than gracious act.  Unfortunately I was not at home at the time but it was a super nice gesture that I will never forget.

What makes his actions even more special is that I am not a member of his church.  Prior to this event, I have meet him a few times and think he is a class act.  He is someone I will truly miss seeing and speaking to.  It pains me that I won't be able to hear him ooze enthusiasm to feed the less fortunate.   Perhaps in the future I can do something to help his effort to feed the less fortunate. 

Thanks Pastor Stephen.  Love your enthusiasm for life.  Good luck!

Maiden Voyage

I chose to start a blog mostly to have a place to share my thoughts.

I am a middle-aged teacher who is single.  Honestly, I do not really have any true friends that I can count on through thick and thin.  I thought this would be a great way to be able to put down my thought in lieu of having a friend to share them with.   Do I expect anyone to read this?  No!  Will I tell anyone about this?  No!  Why you might ask?  Well, much of what will share will be sad.  It could be filled with loneliness and hopelessness.  On the other hand, it could be filled with happiness and joy.   I would shudder to think anyone I know would ever know how deeply down I appear at times.

All and all I am happy even though it might not seem like I am.  I am truly blessed.